Was about to write my ninth birthday post here on this blog when my mum notified me of an incoming package from gojek. Wasn't really expecting anything, but a literal box of flowers came, along with a scented candle and a jar of cookies. Friendly reminder that flowers are always always wonderful.
Birthdays always had a horrible effect on me, somehow. To put it simply, I had a certain idea of how birthdays should be like, and even after knowing certain things and adulting and the nature of people as we grow up and becoming adults and time and the banality of trivial ceremonies also known as birthdays or special dates or such, it's still quite hard for me to let go of those expectations. Even though they no longer apply to the person I am now.
For example, for the past two months I haven't been able to have a proper rest: weekdays are arriving home at approximately 8 p.m after a pretty draining busway ride, and weekends are spent fully outside with friends. I have a habit of having this social profile where I put on an exterior that seemed to numb my subconscious into enjoying things and making things seemed not so bad. Only when I came home, alone in my room, did the profile vaporizes, and I was able to breathe again, this time gasping out of breath. The metaphor is really that dramatic. It went as bad as even my physical body couldn't take it.
I guess part of me was scared of losing friends because I feel like the lesser I talk to people the harder it is to remain friends. Lately it's been really really hard to talk to people and I'm getting really really comfortable of being alone. The last time I remembered being truly happy, was at The Libertines' concert. My friend was super excited and kept gushing forward even though the crowd was mad violent, and I decided I'd just wait in the back. So I went away, bought a cup of chatime and sat on the grass under the stars, alone, starring at the stage from far away. That was a single moment of pure, perfect happiness. Moments later I realized Swim Deep was already playing in the other stage, and I arrived to this very chill and dancy crowd. Was so so fun. My friend joined not long after and it was nice too (because WTHAW was our soundtrack/survival pack back in highschool) but it was just a different type of nice. Anyway.
Regarding birthdays, I'm not a huge fan of ceremonies either (especially the being under the spotlight part), but I grow up brainwashed to always cherish these ceremonies, these milestones one has to go through in order to properly 'live'.
I do realize that the older you get the lesser these dates (are supposed to) mean. Anniversaries, birthdays, deaths, perhaps. They're just numbers. Humans are the only species to live by the idea of time and able to construe and give meaning to them, but in return are the only ones bound by it.
It's still quite a hard thing to do (even when you're twenty freaking three), shaking off one's supposedly 'core belief', but is something one ought to go through to. Mindfulness is such a great help to overcoming things, even if what I have now might not actually classify as such.
That being said, my only wish is to live lesser and lesser and lesser in the minds of others.
See you on the 10th post next year.